goodbye 2007, hello 2008

i guess it's time for the expected and oh-so-common reflection post done on the last day of the year. I guess today in itself, was pretty uneventful - had a couple of errands and final preparations for my trip tmr (no, i haven't packed my bag yet. at least, i have a packing list written out though -beam-) But in and of itself, new year's eve has proven to be a cold and less-than-exciting day.

it has been a good time to sit back, relax and simply just think through things. it's not often that i get a chance to walk at a leisurely pace for an extended period of time, without a gnawing feeling that i need to rush somewhere or that i'm going to be late. this winter break though, i've had plenty of chances for that, first from uni ave back, and now, from state st.

it's always nice to be lost in your own thoughts. it's even nicer when Madison's as empty as it is now, and there's only you on the streets, amidst the passing cars. It's a bleak lonely place, but that's what I love - that reclusive feeling that even out there, you're still alone.

i needed that i guess. it's taken me almost a week to get back into the groove of finding pleasure in simply cooping myself at home. but i'm finally back :) and i love it.

but more importantly, this 'walking' time is always excellent for long conversations with God. it's so easy to get lost in doing everything else, but extended walks always clears the mind of the hustle and bustle of life, and grant a space in time to once again connect back to the Love of my life.

So yes. that was good. As this year has been. So many experiences, so many things. life with SH - hockey game, studying at ebling, dinner at new seoul, hanging out at lakefront terrace, eating lunches by the carts, cooking dinners, our attempt at making egg tarts, inviting friends over, cleaning the house together, chionging thru anime and various other dramas tog, listening to chinese songs, teeny tan's cram sch, late nights at wendt and various other locales...

these aren't the highlights of the spring sem. they were experiences, small sparks of excitement and fun. but these random things are the ones that flood my mind when i think back to spring, and the sparks form a huge fire. a close friendship developed, a new sister made.

flying back to singapore for spring break - that was unexpected, certainly. sad too. but life goes on. and i know where he is, so that helps a lot.

and then the goodbyes. heart-wrenching and all. i hate change, and i still do. but goodbyes were said, as they had to be. and another phase of life has come and gone.

then there was washington with jas. a mad rush, and then it was summer. a summer of internships and numerous meet-ups, a realisation that this was the longest time i had been in singapore for 2 years. and that even with 3 mths, it still isn't enough to do all the things that i miss so much.

australia came and went. got to see my bro, spent time with him, and again, it made me realise how much i miss him. how much i still do. and how much i love him.

the trip back to my second home, here in Madison. south dakota road trip - the beginnings of a close-knitted group. between SD and MN, i don't recall much - sch was as per usual, stressful, busy, and yet so enriching. then thanksgiving came and went, and it made me realise how close we now were. a new bro perhaps? lib studies, union south studying, lots of dinners, turning 21, a ton of fun and enjoyment, suddenly finding that i never had to eat a meal alone again, sleepovers and study camps, crazy card writing sprint... adventures together that can't be forgotten.

but there were the bad periods too. my first fall. that was hard, and painful. and honestly, is the biggest black spot in the entire sem. big enough to make this sem feel like a failure. the lack of motivation and drive to study. coping with suddenly living alone (ok, so i'm perfectly fine living alone. it's more of the doing without SH around).

but now it's new year's eve, and looking back, there's been so many new things that have happened, so many experiences savoured, and most of all, the close friends that i've made. closer than any others, people i'm supremely comfortable around, enough for barriers to fall and for me to be open with. people that i'll always treasure.

and this year, too, perhaps a more disciplined and conscious effort to push through in my relationship with God, to make my spiritual walk with Him more consistent and conscientious. a desire to once again be caught in the passion of always wanting more of Him, of yearning to always always always be in constant contact.

Through the highs and the lows, He's been steady. He's been holding me, just as He has been all these years. It's never been a religion, never about what I do, because no matter how hard I try, it can never be about me. It's always been about Him, and His grace and love. And i do what i do, not because it saves me, but because in obedience to Him out of the love that I have for Him, i want to do it.

What has God taught me this year? That's a harder question to answer. but perhaps one of the things is that our ways are not His ways. and in humbleness and brokenness we come before Him, and He will lift us up. He will make our paths straight, but who am i to say how or when? And again, He's shown that He'll never ever let go, that He's still got me safe and sound in His arms.

He's given me so many people this year - people who are such integral parts of the support system here. Close friends, great company, even a brother in Christ who spurs me on spiritually. Looking back, I have so much to be thankful for. And I have so much more to learn.

2008 heralds in a year of goodbyes - another season of change. this one's drastic, as drastic as the one that i had to go through 2.5 years ago. The goodbyes pain me, even now when i think of them. I will miss this place so much - my house, camp randall, wendt, union south, and of cos, science hall. the lakes. the terrace... so much of this place has become like home to me.

but even more, i'll miss the people who i have shared so much of my life with. even though i know they'll be back in singapore. but it's different. friendships here are so much more intense, so much closer, so much...more. and once we're back home, everything's different. it won't, and can't, be the same anymore.

and there's work. the first step into the workforce for good. a 6 year contract that hangs over my head. it's not so much a feeling of dread, but more of a fear that i'll never survive that 6 years. there is so much apprehension going in, just because there is so much more at stake now. i'll definitely miss being in college, being a student - there's sth to be said abt the intellectual challenge and development within the walls of the college, something that you can hardly get out there.

but, 2008 also brings spring semester. another period of fun and enjoyment, of my last attempts to grasp on to the straws of friendship before the sand of time runs out. and then it's home. perhaps i'm ambivalent about going home - as much as i love and miss singapore, perhaps i don't want to go home just yet. because it means plucking up roots that have grown already, and transplanting them once more. because it means giving up all that i have now (yes, even the cold and all...). there's so much adjustment and transitions to go through, that perhaps i don't have the energy at this moment for.

2008 looks bleak i guess. bleaker than i thought it'll be, harder than i'd imagine. i'm sure it's not actually as bad as that, and i'll slip right back into those familiar pairs of worn-slippers that is my life back home. and i'll function as normal, even though i'm be missing such a huge chunk of myself - the part that is still stuck in madison.

yet, i know He is with me. nothing's ever bleak with God, our God who is a God of hope and life and joy. I know He has a path for me, a purpose for my life and that He is leading me on it. And in light of all that He is and all that He has in store for me, i'm not afraid of the future. everything else simply fades away in His glory and light.

So, here's to the end of 2007, a year that passed too quickly. And here's to the start of 2008, one yet unknown.