warning: ranting and rambling are very much present below.

there are weeks that pass and you feel good about them. weeks that inspire confidence and challenge you intellectually yet do not overwhelm. weeks that you aren't bogged down in work.

then there are weeks that threaten to push you under, and make you cower beneath the couch and never come out for a single class ever in your life again. weeks that you cry out to God for help, and somehow, somehow there is just enough strength to pass through that week for a brief respite called weekend.

this last week has been the latter. it's been a week that i feel like i'm going to battle everyday, with myself, my work, my classes, my professors... everything. it's a week that after the 2nd day, i just want to give up and drop all my classes. and it's a week that even after it's over, i'm still feeling the effects of it... and staring at 3 more weeks of horror.

i keep telling myself, 3 weeks, 4 reserach papers and 2 exams. that's all there is to it (and of cos a million other commitments that are staring me in the face right now. responsibilities that i really just want to shove to one side, but obviously i can't. ah well.). and it'll be over. i can do it. after next week, it's only 2 exams and 2 papers left.

but it's not just about the work, crushing as it may be. it's about how compact everything is, and how they expect you to absorb everything that's thrown to you in that punch-inducing daily 2.5hour lectures AND reflect and analyse what you have learnt.

honestly, i feel so inadequate for what i'm learning now. somehow i lack the analytical skills that these americans have. yea, it's easy to say that i've been conditioned by singapore's education system such that the questions that are posed now is a whole new mental exercise all together. but it's my fault that i lack the depth of analysis that's required, and it's my fault that somewhere along the line, i stopped questioning everything, incl the govt. (and honestly, the whole debate of constitutional rights, property rights and Supreme court decisions is killing me. it's so much more simply to have a govt like singapore. just freaking do what they say and shut up!)

and of course, at the back of my mind, is the knowledge that 3 weeks after my final exams, sch starts again. and next sem's work is tougher than any of the other sems i've had. and even before any of it starts, i'm already feeling stretched.

it's easy to get caught up with all the stress of school, and the pressures of results, which seriously is getting to me. I know that in my short experience of school life, that my worst results are those that I worked doubly hard for, and my best results are those that God likes to present to this open-mouthed, wide-eyed girl who never deserved it. I know that I dun need a perfect gpa, and that the point is not results, but the learning process. but it's hard to say that I'm not stressing myself over this, and that I'm not worrying incessantly how my grades are sliding towards the drain this sem. it's easier to know than to feel.

I know it. Do your best, and leave the rest to God. but somehow, I tend to either try and wrestle it from Him, or pester Him incessantly about it (okay, so maybe He doesn't mind the latter, but I honestly should stop worrying so much. right? right.) and i guess maybe that's why God tends to like to give me so much that I feel overwhelmed and out of control, cos that's when i finally just leave it to Him.

well. i do hope i'm reaching that point without being too stubborn. I don't exactly like the prospect of being swamped some more haha. so i'm taking a break this afternoon, and taking a breather. But like Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego said, "if we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up."

and i guess, at the end of the day, God is using these small little obstacles and stresses to teach the bigger lessons of life. and hopefully, i'll always be able to say that regardless of the end result, my faith in God remains and I will still praise Him. always.

on another note, had my first 1.5hour discussion section ever in my life on thursday. and even though my friends in madison cannot believe it, i am terribly quiet in classes here. generally. (there's this whole thing abt the ACCENT, and the fact that i am actually out of things to say) but i ended up staying after class (which ended at 5.30pm) to ask a couple of questions to my TA (who unfortunately, had conducted 3 such discussion sections that day already and attended a lecture of which half an hour later, he was requried to lead the discussions on it. oh yeah and he missed his lunch too.) yeah. so this poor TA was badgered by me, and we ended up talking for about an additional hour. so when i finally left the class at 6.30pm, after a gruelling whole day in sch, let's just say my brain was ready to explode. BUT at least i feel a little better about the stuff at hand, and at least my TA knows me as more than -that asian girl- haha. so really thank God for that.

oh yes. and we made prata and curry yesterday. the curry was great. the prata was... hahahaha. nvm. but it was cool. and hey, how many of you can say that you've MADE prata and eaten it? haha. so maybe we lack the awe-inspiring cool skills of the prata man in the kopitiam a 2 min walk the block (sigh, u can hear how much i'm missing singapore food) but at least, the prata was made! haha